28 things I learned in 2014.

2014 has been a big year. There's been a lot of change. There's been a lot of growth. Between my last semester at Cornerstone, my trip to South Africa & Zimbabwe, my summer, and my first semester at Cedarville University, I've learned a lot about myself.


I learned that I......


1. Don't hate every kind of tea. I like two kinds: African roiboos and peach green.

2. Am able to run more than two miles. (I see you laughing. Stop. This is an accomplishment for me.)

3. Am really bad at Greek grammar. I survived that class by memorizing vocab and making educated guesses.

4. Can survive hours out in the blazing sun in a line full of budging people trying to cross the border from South Africa to Zimbabwe.

5. Can survive sleeping on a floor covered with black beetles.

6. Can survive living in a tent, collecting our own water and firewood, and having no communication with the outer world.

7. Can survive an African red wasp sting (Seriously...I have never been stung by anything in my life and I had no clue if I was allergic. So of course the first time I get stung is in the middle of the wilderness of Zimbabwe.)

8. Can survive walking to a long-drop toilet -- also the popular hang-out place of several bats -- in the pitch black. (Obviously Africa taught me that I can survive a lot of things...)

9. Still hate fish. Especially when I'm eating them complete with their scales and eyeballs.

10. Don't like lamb intestine. No surprise there. (These things were also courtesy of Africa.)

11. Am very small. Laying on top of a mountain and seeing millions of stars complete with the Milky Way coloration will put you in your rightful place.

12. Can fake being confident while giving a speech to the Head of School, Director of Development, Upper School Principal, Lower School Principal, and Spiritual Life Director. And then come up with on-the-spot answers to their questions. (My heart still beats a little fast when I think about it.)

13. Know some generous people. Graduation was like Christmas on steroids. Times one hundred.

14. Am not very good at making face masks. There might have been an incident where oatmeal and honey ended up all over the floor...and it wasn't even my floor. This was supposed to be a "fun babysitting activity"...

15. Must be doomed to go to school out in the middle of cornfields. Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

16. Thought I lived in the windiest state. Until I moved to Ohio.

17. Can never seem to escape smelling like Chuck's. (No, I'm not talking about a person. That's what Cedarville's cafeteria is called.)

18. Can eat cereal for dinner and nobody actually cares. And regardless of whether they cared or not, I can do what I want.

19. Am able to live in a dorm room the size of a large closet. WHILE sharing it with someone else.

20. Need to set more than two alarms each morning. There might possibly have been times that I missed my 8 AM class.....buuuuut I still got an A, so how much does it really matter?

21. Never remember how long to cook Ramen or popcorn (that popcorn button is deceptive...I thought I could trust it, but of course it burnt my food). So sticky notes on the microwave are a necessary thing.

22. Got a really great education from my high school. Even though I'm going to a rigorous university, the classes have seemed pretty easy so far (although they take a LOT of time).

23. Can operate for 18 hours after having only 4 hours of sleep the night before. And those 18 hours can consist of taking a final and getting a 97% on it, moving all of my belongings from one dorm room to another, setting up all my stuff, and actually having coherent conversations with people.

24. Need Jesus. A lot. This year has definitely humbled me and made me aware of my brokenness at a much deeper level than any other year.

25. Still struggle with so much idolatry and self-centeredness. But God has been faithful not just to reveal my sin, but also to show me that his grace is sufficient and he is more beautiful than anything else my heart could desire.

26. Am secure. My identity is wrapped up in who God is and who he declares me to be -- his beloved daughter.

27. Can trust my Father. He is so much bigger and more sovereign than I could ever imagine, and yet he is so much more personal and loving than I could ever imagine.

28. Have a lot more learning and growing to do. 2015 is going to be another big year!

The first step.

I'll admit it. It's hard for me to even begin to wrap my mind around the story of Christmas. I mean, honestly, it is a really absurd story if you truly think about it.

The same God who created the entire universe subjected himself to coming to earth as a little baby? Born in a manger? As a nobody in society? It's crazy.

But the thing is, the "craziness" of the story is what actually makes it infinitely beautiful.

We talk about Jesus's act of going to the cross as the ultimate example of humility, but that was just the culminating last step in his journey. Each step that brought him closer to the cross required sacrifice. Especially the first step. And Christmas is all about that first step.

Think about it this way -- pretend you've already died and gone to heaven. You're in perfect fellowship with God, being filled with immeasurable joy and peace in his presence as you behold the fullness of his glory before your very eyes. It's so much better than you ever could have imagined -- your experience of God's presence is like plunging into and exploring the depths of the ocean, whereas on earth it was as if you were playing in a kiddie pool.
So there you are in heaven, fully content and fulfilled, and God asks you a question. "Will you leave heaven behind and instead go to the broken, sinful earth? Will you enter the world as a helpless baby, not even capable of comprehending the words that people are saying around you? Will you grow up living a lowly life, learning from your father how to carve wood? Will you live a life of ministry, forsaking your family and having no home? Will you spend the last 3 years of your life teaching and healing needy and sick people who will constantly bombard you when you are famished and sleep-deprived? Will you disciple twelve men, only to be betrayed by one of them so that you are unjustly arrested? Will you be forsaken by the crowds and condemned to a humiliating death on a cross? Will you be spat on, beaten, mocked, and then carry your cross to a hill where you will be in excruciating pain for 3 hours before you die a shameful death?
Will you leave my presence where you have fullness of joy, and instead live a life full of sorrow? And will you do it simply to save the lives of the very people who forsook you, spat on you, beat you, and mocked you?"

The main point of Christmas is that Jesus willingly chose to live life in reverse. From before the foundation of the world, He lived life in perfect harmony with the Father and the Spirit, in fullness of life -- but then he decided to descend into time and space to enter a broken, twisted, messed up world. He knew full well that he would be tempted, suffer, and be forsaken by sinners who he came to save. But being disowned by humans was nothing in comparison to who else he knew would disown him.

Leaving heaven was just the beginning of Jesus' departure from the perfect unity of the trinity. Coming to earth was his first step towards the cross, where the unity would be completely broken and his Father would forsake him. Jesus knew that at that time, the Father would withdraw the fullness of his love and instead pour out the fullness of his wrath. Yet that did not stop Jesus from coming.

He literally gave it all away. There was nothing that Jesus didn't have. Yet there was nothing that Jesus didn't freely surrender.

"Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not consider equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." - Philippians 2:5-8

The biggest lie we believe.

My sin separates me from God. Even though I have received salvation, my sin is a barrier to my relationship with God. I need to live a righteous, holy life so that I can stay in fellowship with God. When I fail, I better spend a lot of time in the Word and in prayer to make it up to God and get back on his good side. It might also help if I also feel extremely guilty and make promises to God about how I'm committing to stop sinning. Maybe then, the perpetual disappointment he has when he looks at me will be somewhat appeased.

LIE.

Paul was not kidding around when he said, "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Rom 8:1)

No condemnation. NONE.

Christ paid for every single sin on the cross. Nothing we can do will ever surprise God. He knows everything we have done and everything we will do from before our birth till after our death.

Paul was also not kidding around when he said "[Nothing] in all of creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom 8:31)
 
Because of Christ's sacrifice on the cross, the curtain of separation between us and God was torn in two. We have full, complete access to fellowship with the Father. Nothing we can do will ever be able to separate us from his acceptance and love for us.

Because he is not surprised by our sin, he is also not disappointed in our sin. Of course he desires for us not to sin because he knows the destruction that it brings in our lives and he knows the life and freedom that a righteous life offers. But no matter how much we fail, his attitude towards us is always 100% delight. This is because his view of us is not based on our lives, but rather it is based on Christ's perfect life. Christ exchanged his righteous record for our sinful record on the cross, which means that no matter how much we sin, God sees nothing but a sinless life in our place.
 Let's stop denying God his power. He conquered sin and death on the cross, which defeated our sin once and for all. He has also placed his Spirit in us -- the same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead. When we bask in our guilt, we are elevating our sin to a position above the Spirit in our hearts. When we continue in habitual sin, we are saying to God, "I don't believe that you can really help me overcome this. My sin is too big." But God has empowered us through the Spirit to stop sinning and instead live for his glory.

Therefore, our sin does not separate us from God because he already knows about it, he already paid for it on the cross, and he already has given us the means to overcome it by the Spirit.

What would our lives look like if we truly believed that God loves us and delights in us continually? What if we laid down our heavy burdens of guilt, shame, and fear at the foot of the cross and instead danced and sang for joy because of the freedom that we ALREADY HAVE in Christ?

There would be no time to sin if our lives were instead consumed by worship.

Let's stop believing the lie and instead start believing in God's power.




 

{Disclaimer: I am not saying that our sin does not in any way affect our relationship with God. Although I wholeheartedly believe that God's attitude toward us can never change due to our sin, I definitely believe that our attitude towards God is greatly affected by our sin. Sin does damage our relationship with God because sin is an action of turning away from God and turning towards something else -- or in other words, sin is an act of rejection (on OUR part) of the fellowship that God is willingly offering us.}

His Sacrifice for Steadfastness.

You know what's dumb? I say that I believe that the Word of God is living and active, yet when I read it, I don't come to it with the expectation that it will really, truly change me. But of course the Holy Spirit lavishes his grace on me despite my stupidity and lack of reverence. So of course on a normal night in my college dorm room, the Holy Spirit hit my unsuspecting soul like a bus. Of course the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to the things I've known, but not truly known. Of course the Holy Spirit changed me when I least suspected it to display his power and glory.

Before I jump into the verses God used to teach me, here's the context of the passage:
God made a covenant with David that his son (Solomon) would built a house for the Lord (the temple). After Solomon builds it and the Shekinah glory of God enters as a cloud and rests in the Holy Place, this is Solomon's prayer:

"O Lord, God of Israel, there is no God like you, in heaven above or on earth beneath, keeping covenant and showing steadfast love to your servants who walk before you with all their heart. . .

But will God indeed dwell on earth? Behold, heaven and the highest heaven cannot contain you; how much less this house that I have built!"
 -1 Kings 8:23, 27

This is a big deal. Solomon says that not even the highest heaven can contain the glory of God, yet God chooses to dwell in a tiny, fragile house built by human hands.

He chooses to be present with the people of Israel even though they are constantly grumbling, complaining, and running away from him.

He dwells among the people of Israel simply because he chose to and he cannot contain his steadfast love for them.

He has made a covenant to be faithful to Israel and he refuses to break his covenant, no matter how much Israel denies him and commits adultery against him.

"When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son. The more they were called, the more they went away; they kept sacrificing to the Baals and burning offerings to idols. Yet it was I who taught Ephriam to walk; I took them up by their arms, but they did not know that I healed them. I led them with cords of kindness, with bands of love. . .

My people are bent on turning away from me, and though they call out to the Most High, he shall not raise them up at all. How can I give you up, O Ephriam? . .

My heart recoils within me; my compassion grows warm and tender. I will not execute my burning anger; I will not destroy Ephriam; for I am God and not a man, the Holy One in your midst, and I will not come with wrath."
- Hosea 11:1-4, 7-9 

"I will make my dwelling among you, and my soul shall not abhor you. And I will walk among you and will be your God, and you will be my people.

I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, that you should not be their slaves. I broke the bars of your yoke and enabled you to walk with heads held high."
-Leviticus 26:11-13

The holy, perfect, righteous, glorious God does not stay upon his throne in the highest heaven, but he brings his glory down to earth. Simply to be with his people. And he not only dwells with them, but he's also actively involved in their lives, nurturing them and loving them unconditionally. Because he cannot contain his steadfast love. It's who he is.

God choosing to dwell in a house made with human hands seems like enough sacrifice, right? God already displayed extreme humility, right? Yeah... but our God is crazy. He wasn't satisfied. He wanted to sacrifice even more to be with us. His glory dwelling in the temple wasn't good enough for him. He loved us so much that he had to dwell with us in an even more personal way, and he was willing to sacrifice everything for it.

If you thought smushing God's glory into a cloud was claustrophobic enough, try smushing God's glory into a human body.

"Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men." -Philippians 2:5b-7

God came as a man to be with us. Immanuel.

But wait... God didn't stop there.

"And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." -Philippians 2:8-11

Why did Christ humble himself to die a brutal and unjust death?

Because making his dwelling among us was not enough for him. No, he was not content until he made a way to make his dwelling within us.

 "In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. . .

By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. . .

So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him."
-1 John 4:9-10, 13, 16

"Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?"
-1 Corinthians 3:16

This is the beauty of the gospel.

God with us. God within us. Even though we are broken, sinful, undeserving, adulterous people, God chose to satisfy his wrath by his own blood so that he could display his glory through his faithfulness to his people. It's who God is. He sacrificed it all because he could not contain his steadfast love for us.

Miracles in the Mundane.

God works miracles. Daily. And not just in an abstract, distant place. He works miracles in my heart. The fact that I woke up this morning believing that my heavenly Father loves me and passionately pursues me is a miracle. The fact that I resisted any sin at all because I found my Savior more valuable than satisfying myself is a miracle. The fact that I sit here and recount God's extravagant faithfulness in my life is a miracle.
But guess what?
I don't look for miracles. I don't see them happening all around me. Not because they aren't there, but because I'm looking for fireworks instead the true work of the Holy Spirit.

The American "church camp Christianity" has had a greater impact on how I view the work of the Spirit than I would like to admit. I often don't notice and I disregard the Spirit's work just because it's not emotional or highly experiential. I believe that I'm filled with the Spirit when I have that "spiritual high" and my heart feels like it's on fire. I think that God is somehow closer to me when I participated in a great time of worship and my soul felt every word I was singing. But the longer I walk with God, the more I have realized that he often does not work in a way that is flashy and extremely exciting. No, the Holy Spirit's work is not like fireworks.

As I've been thinking about what the work of the Holy Spirit actually "feels" like (for lack of a better word), I have come to the conclusion that it is much less like fireworks and much more like an anchor. Every day, he is grounding me. He is steadily pulling me towards the truth of the gospel. He is powerfully capturing my heart and making sure I am abiding in the Rock. And he is giving me assurance -- I know that I know that Christ is my Savior and Redeemer. All of my hope is in him, my righteousness.

It's taken time for me to appreciate the Spirit's work as an anchor rather than a firework. I am an entertainment-crazed, gratification-desiring American who wants newness and exhilaration and excitement. Often I just wish God would overwhelm my emotions with an undivided passion for him. I wish that I could experience his presence in an electrifying and overpowering way. But God has shown me that the powerful constancy and grounding of the Spirit are of so much more value than spiritual highs. I truly grow in fellowship with God not when I really "mean" a song in a worship service, but when I choose to live a life of faith and repentance every day, even when it's hard. When I am relying on a surface-level, emotional understanding of the Spirit, I fail to see that the presence of God is as much with me when I am neck-deep in sin as when I am having a perfect day and good works seem natural. The Spirit's work as an anchor convinces me that God has accepted me and loves me completely independent from my performance because Christ is my righteousness. The Spirit's movement, more than anything, is characterized by an increased desire and power to deny myself and instead be concerned with the interests of others and the advance of the kingdom of God. The Spirit's work, while I often perceive it as mundane, is truly a miracle.

Fireworks are for holidays.

The anchor is for daily life.

"For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, 'Abba, Father!' The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs -- heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." - Romans 8:14-18

{Satisfied} Day III of III.

[This is Day III of my three-part word study blog posts. Call me crazy, but I really miss being in Bible class and doing in-depth studies like this. And as I'm about to leave for college, the Lord is trying to teach me a lot right now. So here's me sharing with you what I've been studying in the Word.]

Something I’ve struggled a lot with in this past season of life has been contentment. It has brought me to realize how much I place my security in my circumstances and let my emotions be determined by them. And as I move into a completely different season in my life, the Lord has been opening my eyes to how much I need place the entirety of my identity and security in him so that I am not swayed by the things that are happening around me. Especially with going to college, I need to be fully at peace and satisfied.

Satisfied.

Hebrew: שָׂבַע

To be surfeited {to be supplied with something to excess}; sated {be filled to excess}; satisfied.

To be full of; satisfied with.

Greek: χορτάζω

To be fed; satisfied; fattened.

Here are the verses that this word is used in, with each one identified in italics what the source of the satisfaction is.

“The fear of the Lord leads to life, and whoever has it rests satisfied.” –Proverbs 19:23

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.” –Matthew 5:6

“Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your labor for that which does not satisfy? Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good and delight yourself in rich food.” –Isaiah 55:2

“Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see {light} and be satisfied; by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant, make many to be accounted righteous, and he shall bear their iniquities.” –Isaiah 53:11

“For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things.” –Psalm 107:9

“Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits. . . who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” –Psalm 103: 2, 5

“For I {the Lord} will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish.” –Jeremiah 31:2

The sources of satisfaction = The fear of the Lord. Hungering and thirsting for righteousness. Eating what is good and delighting in rich food. Seeing the light. And of course, ultimately, the Lord himself.

Satisfied literally means “to be full of.” Satisfaction can only come when we are full of the Lord. A good indication that we are not abiding in the Lord and not full of his Word and truth is that we will not be content. We will not be satisfied.

God promises that he can satisfy. We just have to let go of control enough to let him. We have to stop filling up our cups with something else and let his living water flow into our life.

My heart hasn’t really clung onto this truth, but God is being patient and gracious and teaching me along the way. So my prayer is the same as Moses’s in Psalm 90:14, “Satisfy [me] in the morning with your steadfast love, that [I] may rejoice and be glad all [my] days.”

{Trust} Day II of III.

[This is Day II of my three-part word study blog posts. Call me crazy, but I really miss being in Bible class and doing in-depth studies like this. And as I'm about to leave for college, the Lord is trying to teach me a lot right now. So here's me sharing with you what I've been studying in the Word.]


I will choose to {Trust} instead of {Fear} - (see yesterday's post).

These past few months, the Lord has spoken this word over and over to me. Whenever I am feeling anxious or worrying about something, he always whispers this to me. Especially this week as I have been getting ready to leave for college and there are so many unknowns.

{Trust.}

Hebrew:  בָּטַח 
To trust
To be confident; secure; reliant on


"Put no trust in extortion; set no vain hopes on robbery; if riches increase, set not your heart on them. Trust in the Lord at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us." -Psalm 62:10, 8

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones." -Proverbs 3:5-8

"Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation." -Isaiah 12:2
 
"For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, 'In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.'" -Isaiah 30:15 

"You keep him in a perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock." -Isaiah 26:3-4

  "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit." -Isaiah 17:7-8


Trust = Refuge. Healing. Refreshment. Strength. Life.

Trust isn't just the act of letting go of my life. No, trust is the act of handing it over to God instead.  It is the realization that I am broken and weak and unable of running my own life. It is the recognition that God loved me enough to send his Son to take my sin upon himself and clothe me in his righteousness. It is the conviction that my Father loves me passionately and has a perfect plan for my sanctification. It is the willingness to come off the high and mighty throne of my life and ask God to occupy it instead. And it is the knowledge that there is no better choice I could ever make than that one.

{Fear} Day I of III.

[This is Day I of my three-part word study blog posts. Call me crazy, but I really miss being in Bible class and doing in-depth studies like this. And as I'm about to leave for college, the Lord is trying to teach me a lot right now. So here's me sharing with you what I've been studying in the Word.]


I leave for college in two and a half days. And although I am super excited and do feel ready for it [or at least as ready as I'll ever feel], I still have a lot of apprehension. I don't like not knowing what to expect. I fear the unknown. I fear being out of control.

{Fear.}

Hebrew:   

וָ֭רַעַד ,תִּֽירְא֥וּ ,תַּעַרְצ֖וּ

To cause to tremble; to cause terror or dread
To fear; to be afraid of
To tremble

Greek:
φόβος
Fear; terror; alarm
Reverence; respect

"Fear and trembling come upon me, and horror overwhelms me. But I call to God, and the Lord will save me." -Psalm 55: 5, 16

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:6

 

"The LORD is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid?" -Psalm 27:1

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?" -Psalm 56:3-4

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you.'" -Isaiah 41:10, 13

"And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell." -Matthew 10:28

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." - 2 Timothy 1:7

"For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, 'Abba! Father!'" -Romans 8:1

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." -1 John 4:18

"So we can confidently say, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?'” -Hebrews 13:6 

God is sovereign. Sometimes that becomes the source of my fear [which is stupid, because when has he never come through for me?]. I want to be in control instead of him. But at the end of the day, I am so glad that it is not me, because I suck at running my own life. 

So what do I do to get rid of fear? The promise in 1 John 4:18 is extremely significant: there is no fear in love. Who is the author of love, the giver of love, and Love embodied? He is the answer. My prayer is that he will overwhelm me with his love, and I will not be able to help but love him back. Because if I am receiving love and giving love, there is no room for fear. 

The Thief of Joy.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” –Theodore Roosevelt

No disrespect to Theodore, but as I’ve been thinking about what robs my joy, comparison isn’t quite it. There’s a much bigger root to the problem than I think we tend to focus on. I believe comparison does steal our joy, but our ships are already doomed to sink far before we compare ourselves to anyone else.

When I’ve reflected on the things that make me upset, the things that I complain about, and the things that make me angry, I’ve become convinced of one thing: 99% of the time, these reactions are happening because my little throne is being shattered. My kingdom of self is not operating in the way that I planned it, and my pride is being hurt, because everything is supposed to work out for me. I believe I deserve it.

It’s so easy to say that I’ve given my life completely over to Christ and he sits on the throne of my heart, but if I take a second to step back and look at how I’m functionally living my everyday life, it’s easy to see that most of the time I only live under the illusion that I’ve given control to God. The truth is that I would rather God be my vending machine rather than my king. I desperately cling to control because if I don’t, I’m so afraid that my life won’t be fun. It won’t be entertaining. It won’t be about me anymore.

We all have the same root problem – we worship ourselves. We want to be popular. Attractive. Smart. Desirable. Wanted by others. And here’s where we discover the thief of joy – our world revolving around ourselves when it’s meant to revolve around another.

We were made to worship and love and serve someone other than ourselves. And even when we believe we’re controlling our own lives, the truth is that he’s controlling them anyway. But he actually knows what he’s doing. He knows our hearts inside out, he loves us completely, and he has a perfect plan for our lives. He has a plan that is going to result in forming us into glorious, beautiful, righteous people. And he’s going to do that not because our lives are about ourselves and he’s trying to assist in that purpose, but rather because our lives are about him and we will actually be happiest when giving him the glory.

Comparison will never have a foothold to steal our joy if we are elevating God to the highest position in our lives. Comparison is only damaging if it hurts your pride. If someone is “better” than you in a certain way, it only hurts you if you are finding identity in your success and someone is preventing you from lifting yourself high. But if we acknowledge that we are humble, needy sinners saved only by God’s grace and live for his kingdom rather than our own, than comparison can never be the thief of our joy.  

What if when things didn’t go the way we planned them, we surrendered it to God, saying, “I trust that you know what you’re doing and are working things for your glory and my good”? What if in every circumstance, even the hardest ones, we saw so much more value in knowing God that it didn’t matter if we have to sacrifice our comfort, security, or gratification? What if we actually stopped looking down at ourselves and trying to micro-manage every area of our lives, and instead looked up to our majestic God and worshiped him above all else?

I think we would finally start taking hold of the joy that God is offering us.

25 Things I'll Miss About Cornerstone.

So, in order to help combat senioritus the last month on school, I recorded 25 things I'll miss about CCA (of course some sarcastic ones are thrown in there for good measure). These are in no particular order.


1. Hearing cows moo (most of them sound as if they're dying) as you walk outside to your car.

2. Having the freedom to relocate class to outside if the weather is nice.

3. Being able to walk down the hallway and know the name of every single person you pass.

4. Spending an entire class period talking about something completely unrelated to what you're supposed to be learning. And usually the topic of conversation is your teacher's kids or food.

5. Being close friends with teachers.

6. The crazy fluctuating temperature of the building. . . it always is either hot or cold (mostly cold), but NEVER in between.

7. Being able to walk into my principal's office not because I'm in trouble but just because I feel like having a friendly conversation with her.

8. Watching God work miracles in providing finances for the school.

9. Playing Uno nearly every day in study hall.

10. Packing a lunch every morning (NOT).

11. Doing crazy exercises/illustrations (example: making a balloon sing Mary Had A Little Lamb).

12. Knowing your teachers so well that it's not disrespectful to be sarcastic and mock them.

13. Having meetings during lunch to dig into God's Word, share what he's teaching us, and pray.

14. Going into a room previously inhabited by junior highers and being hit by a wave of body heat and body odor (this might top the list of things I will NOT miss).

15. Driving through the minefield of potholes the size of Lake Michigan in the back parking lot.

16. Off-subject days in Bible class (yes, these are actually planned to be off-topic).

17. Having to walk out in the middle of cornfields for fire drills - which always happen to be on freezing cold days.

18. Being greeted by little 1st graders in the hallway on my way to class.

19. Having days when we all bring in food to class, just for the fun of it.

20. Getting together with a few people every Friday morning before school to pray.

21. The flexibility of teachers in having their classes interrupted (or entirely missed...)

22. Taking a large portion of class time just to pray.

23. Passing the horse/sheep farm every morning on my way to school. 

24. Last day of school rituals with turning in books and having our final assembly with the slideshow of the year.

25. My crazy, unique classmates who have become like a weird type of family to me.

Africa Debrief: Being 100% Honest.

To sum up my 3-week adventure in Africa in one sentence: it was not what I expected.

I expected it to totally flip my world up-side-down, break my heart, and be utterly life-changing. I expected it to cause me to be totally abandoned to the Spirit and revive my soul in a way that made me feel more alive than ever before. In a way, it did do all those things, but definitely not to the scale that I expected.

Not only were my expectations high, but I think everyone else who knew about the trip had expectations similar to mine. So if I’m being honest, it’s hard to write about this. I want to write something super sappy and emotional and heart-wrenching, but I’m just going to be real and super vulnerable with you.

The past 3 weeks have been some of the most intense spiritual warfare that I have ever experienced. My flesh did NOT want me to die to self. My flesh did NOT want to surrender to the Spirit. My flesh kicked and screamed every single day that I woke up. I was bombarded with lies, selfish desires, and sinful habits that I thought I had found victory over but reared their heads again. I would like to say that I rejected all of these things, because I know I have the power to say no to these things through the Spirit, but I would be lying. A lot of the time I fell flat on my face. I despaired, I failed, I ran back to the chains I have been set free from.

But thankfully that is not the end of the story. The Spirit was also fighting within me. God kept being faithful to me. He would show me he loved me through the little (and big!) things, he would keep reminding me of truth, he would keep giving me the strength to hold onto the promises in the Word, he would keep encouraging me through the words and actions of Elizabeth, Garrett, Hans, Mr. and Mrs. Pavey, and others. Like Zephaniah 3:17 says, “The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.” I definitely experienced that.

I don’t know if I’ve ever struggled more in my life. Everything around me was uncomfortable and unfamiliar and hard. No electricity, no running water, no technology, no more than a few friends, and long, hard days including manual labor. Add spiritual warfare on top of that, and it’s the perfect recipe for the most intense pressure cooker a person can be put in.

I was a wreck. But as David Crowder has put it, “In the middle of the mess, there is majesty. In the middle of my chest, is the King of Kings.” My weakness made his strength shine all the brighter. My sin and my failure humbled me and made me realize that I really am NOTHING without God. But he revealed himself to be EVERYTHING. One major way he showed me this was through his creation. The landscape in Zimbabwe and South Africa is beautiful. The mountains, valleys, rivers, waterfalls, trees, and everything is breathtaking. I remember thinking to myself about the view I had while standing on a cliff, “I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything more beautiful.” And in that moment God whispered to me and said, “When I created this, I called it ‘good.’ When I created you, I called you ‘very good.’ You are more beautiful than this.” I realized how much I don’t believe that in my heart. I realized how much I don’t believe that God loves me unconditionally, because it was after a day that I felt I had failed him again. But his love does not depend on my sanctification. It doesn’t work that way. Actually, it works the opposite way. My sanctification depends on his love. And he always sets his love on me, yet I refuse to believe it. I’m learning to believe it, though. These 3 weeks have helped me in that process, because I kept failing in big ways and he kept blessing me in big ways. I kept not living up to my expectations, and he kept lavishing his love on me despite it all. His favor was definitely displayed to me as unconditional.

I thought that seeing poverty would wreck me. And don’t get me wrong, it WAS hard walking 6.2 miles with the kids to school, some of which were only in first grade, and knowing that they do it every morning and afternoon. It was hard to see 1,690 students in the elementary school, sometimes as much as 50 children packed into one class together. It was hard to see small little huts with a small amount of land which had crops that were barely surviving. But this wasn’t what wrecked me. We talked a lot about physical versus spiritual poverty, and how the amount of wealth you have ultimately isn’t what matters in life. Everything is God’s anyway. What does matter is spiritual poverty, and those who are physically poor actually have an advantage. They are naturally humble. They can rely on God more because they don’t have the option of relying on their wealth. So what wrecked me was not physical poverty, but instead the spiritual poverty of my own heart. I don’t trust God for my daily bread, I just assume that I’ll have it. Since I don’t rely on him for my physical needs, this bleeds over into not relying on him for my spiritual needs either. I think this is one of the things we all really struggle with as Americans. So I found myself asking, “Why should I be any more broken about what is going on in Zimbabwe than what is going on at home?” From the world’s perspective, Zimbabwe is definitely worse than home. But that is because the yardstick is material wealth. The yardstick of wealth according to God’s kingdom is to what extent people are desperate for Jesus. It’s hard to come back to a country where cultural lies constantly bombard me. It’s hard to come back to a country where the pace of life leaves no room for being still in God’s presence. It’s hard to come back to a country where material wealth keeps me from praying, trusting, and relying on God to provide. But it’s hard to come back to this country because it’s actually so easy to come back to it. It’s natural and it’s comfortable. So I’m asking God, “How do you want me to live my life now?” I don’t know yet how exactly he wants me to change. I know it will be a long process of daily choices.

It’s crazy how a place can feel so different yet so similar at the same time. Rural Zimbabwe definitely did seem like a totally different world. But at the same time, it seemed natural to live their lifestyle. We had the essentials in life. Water, food, shelter, community, and God. That’s all we really have here in our world too, though we try to add in so much. It was definitely more uncomfortable than at home, but that was a price I was willing to pay for experiencing life simplistically like they do. Simplicity is beautiful. It was cleansing for my soul.

Being in a different country and serving didn’t automatically cause a “mountaintop” experience. I thought my soul would be awakened and it would be so much easier to listen to God there. But instead it was just the same daily struggle of faith and repentance. It was the daily struggle of rejecting lies and clinging to the truth, despite emotions. I didn’t “feel” God any more there than I do here at home. But I know he was constantly with me and working in my heart through that ordinary daily struggle.

It’s going to take a lot more time for me to process everything I saw and learned. One thing I know for certain: God is good. He’s the same yesterday, today and forever. He’s the same in Africa as he is in America. He’s my rock, my anchor, my lighthouse. He is my peace, joy, and love. He works everything for my good, and my trip to Africa went exactly as he wanted it to, failures and all. My expectations may fail, but he never will.

Sin Is Cancer.

I vividly remember that hot summer day when I was riding my bike back and forth on the sidewalk between two fire hydrants on our street. Somehow, something went wrong. I ended up on the ground with my bike on top of me and I got an extremely nasty scrape up my leg. I walked inside, my leg throbbing and stinging, and my mom cleaned it up and put a band-aid on it. In a matter of minutes it stopped hurting, and in a matter of weeks it was completely healed.

For so long I have viewed my sin like this. It’s something that hurts really bad and I need God to clean it up and put a band-aid on it, and it is in a process of healing until I go to be with him in heaven.

If that were true, then I believe in a pretty lame gospel. I wouldn’t need the Great Physician. I wouldn’t need a Savior. But the reality of my situation is so much more severe than this.

Sin is not a scrape. It is not something that merely stings and needs a band-aid to cover it up. It is not something that will easily heal over time.

The reality is that sin is cancer. It takes over your whole body, demanding to destroy and kill everything. It is not something that can be left alone to heal on its own. No, it grows. It builds. It is like an avalanche, eradicating everything in its wake.

This cancer analogy has particularly stuck with me because I’ve watched my brother suffer through leukemia. I remember him being bed-ridden because he was in so much pain that he couldn’t move. Cancer took control of his body and sucked the life out of him more and more every day.

God’s Word tells us that from the moment we had life in this universe, we were already dead. We were born into sin. Cancer had full control of us.

Christ is the cure for our cancer. The beauty of the gospel is that in God’s eyes, we are completely healthy because of the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus on our behalf. He sees us as perfect and righteous, not having a single cancer cell in our body.

The war is won, but the battle is not over. We can have assurance that we will be completely free from this cancer in the end, but for now, we have to live with it.

It festers in our bodies. It is constantly there, permeating every decision and action. It kind of sucks, right?

If we refuse to fight the battle against sin, it will grow and take control of us. It is possible for us to be completely righteous in God’s eyes but still indulging in all sorts of sin. Obviously, God does not want this. He desires for us to fight.

For so long, I thought that the main reason God wants us to fight against sin is so that we can become more like Christ and reflect Him to other people. While this is true, I’ve come to realize that God doesn’t primarily want us to be rid of sin for the purpose of evangelism, but he wants us to be rid of sin because it is killing us. Our Father can’t stand to watch his children indulge in something that is bringing death and destruction to them.

He has provided the weapons to fight. He has provided the power to fight. He has placed the ultimate, assured, final victory in sight.

The question is: Do we really hate our cancer enough to wage war against it? Will we acknowledge that it is killing us? Will we wake up and realize that God has given us the cure and the power to overcome it? Will we fight?

 "For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him." Romans 8:13-17

From Failure to Freedom.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my lack of belief in the gospel, because let's be real: it happens all the time. I know what I should believe, but so often it stays up in my head and doesn't make its way down to my heart. My prayer has been for my belief to sink deep into my bones.
I am at war with myself. My old self was buried with Christ and I was raised to new life with him, but I'm still in the flesh. My heart is still saturated with lies and my emotions still go hay-wire. I fail to believe the gospel. I fail to live in freedom. I fail to glorify God. And as much as I'd like to say that my failures only happen occasionally, they don't.

The good news is, I don't serve an ordinary God.


"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
-Psalm 73:26

"If we are faithless, he remains faithful - for he cannot deny himself."
-2 Timothy 2:13


 His love is unconditional. I didn't earn it in the first place, and I can't ever do anything that will make me deserve it. It is free.

The thing that I most often forget is that God doesn't expect me to be perfect. He knows that I fail, and that's why he sent his Son to be perfect in my place. Even when I'm neck-deep in failure, God still sees perfection, because I am clothed in Christ's righteousness. He is my strength. He is faithful. When I don't believe the gospel in a given moment, that doesn't make it cease to be true. There's nothing I can or can't do that will change reality - I am forgiven and beloved.

God's relentless, unchanging love turns my failure into freedom.