Africa Debrief: Being 100% Honest.

To sum up my 3-week adventure in Africa in one sentence: it was not what I expected.

I expected it to totally flip my world up-side-down, break my heart, and be utterly life-changing. I expected it to cause me to be totally abandoned to the Spirit and revive my soul in a way that made me feel more alive than ever before. In a way, it did do all those things, but definitely not to the scale that I expected.

Not only were my expectations high, but I think everyone else who knew about the trip had expectations similar to mine. So if I’m being honest, it’s hard to write about this. I want to write something super sappy and emotional and heart-wrenching, but I’m just going to be real and super vulnerable with you.

The past 3 weeks have been some of the most intense spiritual warfare that I have ever experienced. My flesh did NOT want me to die to self. My flesh did NOT want to surrender to the Spirit. My flesh kicked and screamed every single day that I woke up. I was bombarded with lies, selfish desires, and sinful habits that I thought I had found victory over but reared their heads again. I would like to say that I rejected all of these things, because I know I have the power to say no to these things through the Spirit, but I would be lying. A lot of the time I fell flat on my face. I despaired, I failed, I ran back to the chains I have been set free from.

But thankfully that is not the end of the story. The Spirit was also fighting within me. God kept being faithful to me. He would show me he loved me through the little (and big!) things, he would keep reminding me of truth, he would keep giving me the strength to hold onto the promises in the Word, he would keep encouraging me through the words and actions of Elizabeth, Garrett, Hans, Mr. and Mrs. Pavey, and others. Like Zephaniah 3:17 says, “The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.” I definitely experienced that.

I don’t know if I’ve ever struggled more in my life. Everything around me was uncomfortable and unfamiliar and hard. No electricity, no running water, no technology, no more than a few friends, and long, hard days including manual labor. Add spiritual warfare on top of that, and it’s the perfect recipe for the most intense pressure cooker a person can be put in.

I was a wreck. But as David Crowder has put it, “In the middle of the mess, there is majesty. In the middle of my chest, is the King of Kings.” My weakness made his strength shine all the brighter. My sin and my failure humbled me and made me realize that I really am NOTHING without God. But he revealed himself to be EVERYTHING. One major way he showed me this was through his creation. The landscape in Zimbabwe and South Africa is beautiful. The mountains, valleys, rivers, waterfalls, trees, and everything is breathtaking. I remember thinking to myself about the view I had while standing on a cliff, “I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything more beautiful.” And in that moment God whispered to me and said, “When I created this, I called it ‘good.’ When I created you, I called you ‘very good.’ You are more beautiful than this.” I realized how much I don’t believe that in my heart. I realized how much I don’t believe that God loves me unconditionally, because it was after a day that I felt I had failed him again. But his love does not depend on my sanctification. It doesn’t work that way. Actually, it works the opposite way. My sanctification depends on his love. And he always sets his love on me, yet I refuse to believe it. I’m learning to believe it, though. These 3 weeks have helped me in that process, because I kept failing in big ways and he kept blessing me in big ways. I kept not living up to my expectations, and he kept lavishing his love on me despite it all. His favor was definitely displayed to me as unconditional.

I thought that seeing poverty would wreck me. And don’t get me wrong, it WAS hard walking 6.2 miles with the kids to school, some of which were only in first grade, and knowing that they do it every morning and afternoon. It was hard to see 1,690 students in the elementary school, sometimes as much as 50 children packed into one class together. It was hard to see small little huts with a small amount of land which had crops that were barely surviving. But this wasn’t what wrecked me. We talked a lot about physical versus spiritual poverty, and how the amount of wealth you have ultimately isn’t what matters in life. Everything is God’s anyway. What does matter is spiritual poverty, and those who are physically poor actually have an advantage. They are naturally humble. They can rely on God more because they don’t have the option of relying on their wealth. So what wrecked me was not physical poverty, but instead the spiritual poverty of my own heart. I don’t trust God for my daily bread, I just assume that I’ll have it. Since I don’t rely on him for my physical needs, this bleeds over into not relying on him for my spiritual needs either. I think this is one of the things we all really struggle with as Americans. So I found myself asking, “Why should I be any more broken about what is going on in Zimbabwe than what is going on at home?” From the world’s perspective, Zimbabwe is definitely worse than home. But that is because the yardstick is material wealth. The yardstick of wealth according to God’s kingdom is to what extent people are desperate for Jesus. It’s hard to come back to a country where cultural lies constantly bombard me. It’s hard to come back to a country where the pace of life leaves no room for being still in God’s presence. It’s hard to come back to a country where material wealth keeps me from praying, trusting, and relying on God to provide. But it’s hard to come back to this country because it’s actually so easy to come back to it. It’s natural and it’s comfortable. So I’m asking God, “How do you want me to live my life now?” I don’t know yet how exactly he wants me to change. I know it will be a long process of daily choices.

It’s crazy how a place can feel so different yet so similar at the same time. Rural Zimbabwe definitely did seem like a totally different world. But at the same time, it seemed natural to live their lifestyle. We had the essentials in life. Water, food, shelter, community, and God. That’s all we really have here in our world too, though we try to add in so much. It was definitely more uncomfortable than at home, but that was a price I was willing to pay for experiencing life simplistically like they do. Simplicity is beautiful. It was cleansing for my soul.

Being in a different country and serving didn’t automatically cause a “mountaintop” experience. I thought my soul would be awakened and it would be so much easier to listen to God there. But instead it was just the same daily struggle of faith and repentance. It was the daily struggle of rejecting lies and clinging to the truth, despite emotions. I didn’t “feel” God any more there than I do here at home. But I know he was constantly with me and working in my heart through that ordinary daily struggle.

It’s going to take a lot more time for me to process everything I saw and learned. One thing I know for certain: God is good. He’s the same yesterday, today and forever. He’s the same in Africa as he is in America. He’s my rock, my anchor, my lighthouse. He is my peace, joy, and love. He works everything for my good, and my trip to Africa went exactly as he wanted it to, failures and all. My expectations may fail, but he never will.