Confessions of an Approval Junkie

God has been revealing my idols to me so powerfully the past week and a half. It’s painful. But I know it’s because he desires for me to draw closer to him, and somewhere under all my junk, that’s what I truly desire too.

I care SO much about what people think about me. If everyone were to suddenly stop liking me and respecting me and approving of me tomorrow, my life would be a wreck. And maybe that’s what I need. There are two main reasons this is a problem:

1. It demolishes true community. If all of my efforts are spent on putting on and maintaining a good face for myself, I’m not really being myself. Because the truth is, I’m a mess. I believe lies that Satan whispers in my ear right and left. And instead of seeking out help and telling people that I need the truth spoken into my life, I act like I have it all together. I pretend that I understand the gospel and am living in light of it. I convince the people around me of this, and even more than that, I convince myself of this. This inhibits me from being who I really am, which is essential to community. It is also damaging to myself, because I convince myself that nobody really knows and loves me. This is my way of actually realizing the reality of my situation, though in an unhealthy way. Because although people do know me and love me, I have projected myself as someone I really am not, and so they really know and love a distorted version of me. It is also hard to love others well and live as a servant if all of my efforts are spent on keeping up my image and making sure others approve of me. Also, by not being real with my struggles, this prohibits discipleship opportunities that I could be having with people who struggle with the same things as me.

2. I am restrained from fully knowing and loving my Savior, the one who does truly know me and love me. He knows me better than I know myself, mess and all. If I am looking for the approval of others, that obviously shows that I am not satisfies with the approval that I already have from my heavenly Father. I don’t really believe that he sees all my brokenness and still has a smile on his face, no matter what, because of my righteousness in Christ. Sometimes I’m still trying to gain approval from him by performing and being a “good Christian.” And honestly, sometimes I don’t even care if I have his approval or not. What other people think about me is more important than what God thinks about me. I don’t understand the full scope of the love that my Father has for me that was portrayed for me on the cross. I don’t understand that no matter what I do, whether good or bad, I can never change my standing before my Creator. I don’t understand that his approval is all I need and all that I actually desire, even when I feel like I couldn’t care less. And although I don’t understand all of this, somehow he loves me in my mess and my brokenness. He knows me, he still loves me, and he desires for me to throw off everything that hinders and seek his face above all.

This is painful to deal with, but I’m not left without hope. Romans 6 tells me that I am free from sin. I am free from the bondage of what other people think of me, whether I choose to believe it or not. I am not ruled by my addiction to approval.

"Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you,

And therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.

For the Lord is a God of justice;

Blessed are all those who wait for him.

 And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it,’ when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.
Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated metal images. You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, ‘Be gone!’”

Isaiah 30: 18; 21-22