I'm calling this "my" story, but ultimately it is not about me. I am not the subject of the story. The God who rescued me from the depths of my brokenness is not only the author of my story, but the main character. All glory to him forever.
It all started on April 23, 1996. I entered this world alive, well, and breathing -- but the most important part of me -- my soul -- had not experienced its birth yet. My soul was dead. It would remain that way for nine years. If you had watched me grow up, it might be hard to tell. I was a little goody-two-shoes and my mom called me her "little Mexican jumping bean" because I was always dancing around, seemingly full of joy. I grew up surrounded with a godly family and under the teaching of an amazing church, but I didn't get it. I remember the summer of 2002 at VBS, I began to comprehend what sin was. My mind knew that I had a sin condition and Jesus was the only way to heal it, but this knowledge didn't take root in my heart.
The first really significant event in my life was the adoption of my little sister Samantha from China when I was six years old. My eyes were opened to several things:
1. The world is a lot bigger than I thought it was (being in the most highly populated cities in China for 3 weeks will tend to convince you of that).
2. The world didn't revolve around me (no longer being the baby of the family will tend to convince you of that).
Adoption wasn't glamorous. Don't get me wrong, it was awesome and I absolutely loved having a brand new sister. But my little sister throwing violent fits daily and my parents trying their hardest to love and parent her in the best way possible was hard. It was such a testimony to see my parents' endurance and sacrificial love. Although I didn't doubt their love for me or feel neglected by them, their challenging work of parenting her naturally led to me not getting as much attention as before. I was, in a sense, forced into independence and responsibility for myself. I lost the innocence of relying on my parents for everything. On the one hand, that was really good because it caused me to grow and mature. But on the other hand, I see the effects of this as an ongoing struggle in my life because I feel as if I always have to be strong and not rely on anyone except myself -- especially not my Father.
The next few years were relatively uneventful -- I lived the average life of a kid. But I began to notice something was wrong. Something was missing. The thing that ultimately drew me into relationship with my Creator and Savior was something that has repeatedly shaped my life:
Loneliness.
I distinctly remember the night that my nine-year-old self was trying to get to sleep and just couldn't. I crossed the hall to my sister's room and watched her sleeping soundly and began to cry. I went back to my room and laid in my bed, drowning in the grief of finally having my eyes opened to what has been true all my life -- I was alone. It didn't matter that I had amazing parents and siblings who loved me. It didn't matter that I had a great church and fun friends. No matter how great a community surrounded me, it was never good enough. It couldn't satisfy my soul. And I knew it at that moment. The Holy Spirit had invaded the house of my heart and cured me of my blindness so that I saw what a real hell-hole of a house I was actually living in. It was disastrously messy, broken, and dirty, but the worst part was that I was alone in all of it. I cried out from the depths of my heart for God to rescue me from the hell of myself. Over and over I repeated, "I need you, I need you."
Like a warm summer breeze, the Spirit washed over me and filled me with his presence and peace. I had lived nine years alone, but that night changed my life forever. Literally, forever. I have never been alone since then and I never will be alone for all of eternity.
Flash forward three years to the peak of my junior high years. It was during those years that I made the worst decision of my life -- I let insecurity reign in my heart instead of Jesus. There was no fruit of the Spirit growing. My life was defined by my longing for love and acceptance from everyone except God, and as an awkward homeschool kid, I ended up disappointed every day. I beat myself up about it. I set impossibly high standards for myself and desperately wanted to be wanted. I wanted to be popular. I felt so utterly alone again because I was running away from the only one who could satisfy me. My prayer life was dominated by selfish prayers about gaining friends and feeling happy again.
Then throw into the mix my brother's diagnosis. I vividly the morning I woke up and my mom told me that Ethan went to the ER in the middle of the night. His pain that he had been experiencing for several months had finally overcome him. My mom left for the hospital and the rest of us kids were left at home, waiting and wondering all day what was happening. When my mom finally came home that night, I met her right in the laundry room as she walked in from the garage. She was crying, and as I hugged her, she simply said, "He has leukemia."
That was the beginning of a long, hard road. I basically lived in a single-parent home for several months as my parents traded off going back and forth to St. Jude Hospital in Memphis, TN where my brother was being treated. I was scared and confused. I didn't understand why this was happening to our family. My soul was in constant agony, especially the beginning few weeks. But it was in the depths of my despair that God finally broke through to me because I didn't have the strength to run away from his work anymore. The only thing I could do was lay broken at his feet and cry out for God to be present in my life and in my brother's situation. Every day, God drew me closer and closer to his heart. In my sorrow and confusion, he was present and provided supernatural peace and faith that he had it all under control.
I don't think I've ever had sweeter fellowship with God or knowledge of his presence than during that time. God was so present. He constantly cared for my soul. He loved me, comforted me, and gave me hope. And I was actually able to accept these gifts that he gave me because I was so overwhelmingly brokenhearted that I had no strength to resist them. It was beautiful.
I am so incredibly thankful that God healed my brother of cancer and life returned to a somewhat normal state. However, it was dangerous. I got my strength back. I stopped depending on God. I became independent once again. I started building walls. I started running away. I started seeking acceptance in other people again. And this time, I actually succeeded. I started going to Christian school and I "got in" with the cool crowd. People liked me. I was happy. . . but I wasn't. I always wanted more. A little more popularity. A little more approval. I was never satisfied.
High school meant a lot of change. My whole friend group left to go to public school. I felt God calling me back. I had compartmentalized him to a secluded part of my life and heart. He wasn't Lord of my life and his peace wasn't reigning in my heart -- but he was fighting for me. It was a slow process of gradual surrender that finally peaked my sophomore year. I fell desperately in love with the Lord through taking a trip to Guatemala and seeing the beauty of his world. We were also studying the book of Romans in class, and the gospel started invading my heart in a way it never had before. I was hungry for the Word and God was actively renewing my heart. There was a period of about a month when I felt closer to God than I ever have in my entire life. I remember belting out worship songs on my way to school and my heart overflowing with an overwhelming love for my Father. It seemed like thankfulness and prayer came as naturally to me as exhaling.
But of course, that changed. God wasn't content to let me stay in my bliss, because he wanted me to grow. He wanted me to have faith in him even when times were hard or even when it felt like he wasn't there. I began to live in a weird paradox where I have had "mountains and valleys," but at the same time, I didn't. Because the longer I walk with God, the more my path becomes straight. My faith becomes more anchored despite how "close" I feel to God or what my circumstances are around me. There have definitely been periods of time when I would refuse God's work in my heart and grow distant from him, but he has continually faithful to bring me back. I would pursue things other than him and find my identity in other places, but he would bring me to my knees and remind of my need for him. I had many periods of guilt where I knew I should be seeking him but wasn't, and he would constantly remind me that his love was not contingent on whether or not I loved him back. He would lavish his love and grace on me when I didn't deserve it. He would reveal my brokenness and sinfulness to me in a new way but fill me with so much assurance that Jesus' blood has paid for it all.
And now. . . college. To be honest, there hasn't been anything magical about this new stage of life. Of course I have learned so much and I've had a great amount of growth since the beginning of the year, but the daily struggle of faith and repentance has continued, just the same. I still try to find my acceptance in things other than him. I still often reject his love. However, the Spirit has a grip on my heart and he won't let me go. He secures my belief in the gospel just a little bit more continually, and I know that I can freely come into the throneroom of grace because my brokenness no longer defines me -- my identity is that I am a child of God. I am accepted by God because of the righteousness of Christ. My soul was bought with a price and I am free. I am loved and will never be alone because he is with me always, quieting and satisfying my soul. The Great "I Am" lives with me and within me.
"The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. . .
You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
-Psalm 16:5-6; 11
